On Gifting

(This is by no means a definitive post on my perspective on gifting, just an initial rant/purge. I may write something more formally composed at a later date.)

The last two weeks have been highlighted by gifts. Some are small, acts and items one might not consider gifts, and others incredibly generous and beyond expectation. Still others are awkward, the gift given out of some obligation, and in my opinion, the worst gift of all.

It all began with a gift from one of my mother-in-law's (MIL) volunteers. I hesitate to call this person a friend to MIL, but perhaps she is. That might make this less awkward. In any case, this volunteer had asked MIL if we had a registry for the baby, and, of course, at the time we did not. (I have my own opinions about registries and baby showers, but I'll get to those later.) For whatever reason, this person really wanted to purchase something for the baby, and went ahead, using what she knew from what MIL had shared with her about us, and, I'm sure, what she knew of MIL. Now, I know my mother-in-law is beyond excited about her first grandchild, and I'm sure this makes those around her excited for her. But there is the difference, they are excited for her, not necessarily for us, because, frankly, they don't even know us. This is what makes the gift awkward. It's as though it truly belongs to MIL, since it was inspired by her. Am I wrong-headed to think this? I certainly appreciate the gift, but feel the spirit of the gift is misdirected. When I didn't open the gift immediately (I will save them all for the shower), this made things even more awkward with MIL, since she was excited to see our reaction to her friend's present. Again, this gift is more for her, and less for us, however practical it may be.

Now, there is a second gift from a volunteer; this person someone my husband and I worked briefly with at a retail bookstore gig (how he and I first met, actually). This gift is a little less awkward because she knows us through a secondary route. But considering we worked together 10 years ago or more, and it is purely coincidence that she happens to be one of MIL's volunteers, this is still pretty weird to me. Perhaps she felt obligated more than the other volunteer because she knew us. Inspired again by MIL's excitement, I'm sure, perhaps she also felt she "should." This is a heavy word, a word of wyrd, and this gift is stranger to me than the first because of that. Again, when I didn't open it then and there, I could feel MIL's puzzlement.

Then, someone I know quite well, a dear friend and fellow writer, gifted us with items she had from her own son's babyhood. These are practical gifts in many ways, not only because they are things we would need, but because they are things she no longer needs. Rather than sell them, she gifted them to us. This is not only incredibly generous, but also the true spirit of giving (gefu). There is no obligation, no expectation, just the hope that we can use them, and if not, continue them on forward to someone else in need. We now have a nearly-new Graco pram with matching carrier and car seat, lots of blankets, burp-clothes and some cloth diapers, a few odd toys, and books for the baby. The pram and car seat alone would have cost us close to $200, but the value of this object is not only monetary, it value stems from good will. The gift was given in a true spirit, and it still blows my mind to think about this kind of generosity.

So, is it strange that I appreciate the second-hand gift more than the brand new ones? Is it odd that I feel 100x more grateful for the offloading friend's old stuff than I do for the new items purchased specifically for this boy?

So, my philosophy on gift-giving is pretty old-school, in that it is based on Germanic philosophy which views a gift as a sort of sacrifice. This is a pre-Christian idea, spoken of in the Havamal, and focused on the idea of sacrifice to a deity. However, the idea is reiterated within the community, on the community level. When given a gift, one earns a debt of wyrd to the gift-giver, and a gift of equal sacrifice should be made in the course of time. The essence of sacrifice is that a gift is something of value, some item of personal wealth, given up or given away. Of course, there is no expectation to receive anything in return for the sacrifice, it is offered for continued good will and reward from the giftee. In my mind, all true gifts are thank-you gifts, and gifting is a continuum. As we continue to appreciate our friends, family, and community with gift-giving, so do we weave more intricate wyrd, bonding ourselves deeply to them. This makes sense when a gift comes from a community already established, but gifts from outside the regular community strain this weave, as it must make room to accommodate another thread.

This is why I feel the first two gifts mentioned are truly gifts for my Mother-in-law. She inspired them, and her goodwill and excitement are what is being rewarded. Her volunteers are thanking her for sharing her joy with them. I had nothing to do with their feeling of goodwill, not directly, and so gifting me is unnecessary and awkward. I have to build them into my wyrd, and thank them out of obligation, rather than a genuine gifting spirit, thereby straining my wyrd. However, my friend's gift comes from her own desire to share the joy of motherhood with me, gifting me things she found useful or that fulfilled a need, and, imbued with her gratitude for the goodwill shown to her through our friendship, sacrificed these things to me instead of selling them or donating them to a charity shop. And, rather than feel obligated to gift her in return, I desire to reward her for her own goodwill with a future gift. And so we weave our wyrd.

This idea most simply stated is 'a gift for a gift.' It implies reciprocity, should (or skuld), and it is effective in motivating a community of giving. Obligation is a different kind of "should," one belonging to our over-arching societal constructs that have become known as etiquette. This should is based on expectation, and feels twisted to me. Of course, I will show my MIL's volunteer's respect and thank them for their gifts, but it will be in the form of a sentimental card or note that I feel obliged to write, not a returned goodwill and gift that might come more naturally. Respect is not honor, and in that regard, my gift is misdirected. Socially, however, this is all that will be required of me. The gift-givers won't expect more than acknowledgment for their gifts, and our community ends there (with the exception of their participation in the life of the new grandmother, which might prompt more misdirected gifts). Whereas my honor to my friend actively continues until we are no longer friends (though, for me, the wyrd we've built will continue to be honored privately, should our friendship dissolve at some future point). I will continue to have her threads in the fabric of who I am, much more so than the other casual encounters.